Monday, July 27th 2020
Stories: Depression

This post continues on from here and happened between August - October 2011.

I've always been a pretty happy guy. Never had depression or could understand what it felt like. To this day I'm not entirely sure if it was depression, but it surely felt like it. By this point, I was squatting in the house that I wasn't supposed to be living in until September. I would make sure room was always locked. Every now and then I'd hear someone come into the house. My room was at the top of the stairs and I would freeze. Luckily I was never caught.

A very sudden realisation struck me. I had no-one in my life. Dan was in his new house and hanging out with his Uni friends a lot. Ross was in Swansea. Jade, Tasha and Gwyneth were still back at their parents' and I was already growing apart from their group. I hadn't even met Josh or Alex yet. I'd met Jos, but we wouldn't become friends for another eight months.

Most days I would spend just walking around town. I'd look for Dani in the crowds. I removed most tags of me and her on Facebook.

I sent her a postcard saying.

A few days later I set-up an anonymous Tumblr. It helped. I didn't have internet in my house, so most days I'd go to the University and write a blog post. My Uni work had come to a halt as I stopped caring about doing work in my spare time.

One day while walking through Queen Street, I saw Dani with her family. I started walking. I knew how pathetic it all was.

Only thing I looked forward to was Metros on a Wednesday.

My parents started growing increasingly concerned with me. One time when I came home, my Mum found a tobacco pouch in my coat pocket. It was the most disappointed I've ever seen her. I felt truly awful. I told her that I would stop when this was all over.

One night I went out on my bike and I. Dad asked me if I wanted to go canoeing.