Time for another post about feeling sorry for myself. We all like them, right?
I'm disappointed. Disappointed that 2019 won't be a memorable year. No house warming. No house parties. No BBQs. No spontaneous activities. No weekend breaks. Most weekends spent inside without plans. My room still hasn't been sorted. The summer came and went so fast.
I do pretty well when it comes to big events like holidays. I mean, I got to go to Amsterdam this year and I'm going skydiving next month(eek), but I fucking suck at general weekends. I think it's a mentality I adopted back in the 'Men in White Coat days'. I was so busy that I often wished that gigs would be cancelled so I could have a free weekend.
I've been affected by depression this summer. I've not been comfortable before calling it depression before, but I now know that it was. Dobby's death really fucked me up too. It wasn't the same as when animals have died in the past. It felt like it was my fault. I'm dealing with it better now. Some days I really just couldn't wait to go back to work so that it forced me to get out of the house and back into a routine where things were expected of me.
I'm starting to feel like I'm losing my friends too. With Esuna, we had a gig a few months ago and we haven't practiced since. Alex wasn't able to get a job over summer, Jos has been busy with Twisted Ankle stuff and Josh hasn't really messaged at all. I can't blame anyone, I don't really put myself out there either. We have two gigs in the next two weeks so I'm hoping things pick up again. I've hardly even played guitar at all this summer. It's strange.
I used to think it was just me that didn't ask people if they wanted to do something, but now I'm starting to believe it's more of a generational phenomenon. I want to combat it. Even if they say no or don't even answer, at least I can say I asked. If so, I should just go do whatever it is by myself too.
I'm alright now. I'm not depressed. You'd think now that summer is technically over, I would be worse off, but it just makes me want to be better. I'm in a decent position to pick myself back up. Let's list some more positive things from this year...
- Taking more responsibility with Food 4 Thought and going every week has been very rewarding. I feel like I'm making a real difference with my teammates and I'm developing a better relationship with them and our guests too.
- I've gotten so much done with my website. It's becoming smarter over time and I've developed many new useful features now that it's hosted at home. I'm even making an online board game! I'll show it soon.
Once again, I'm glad I could write this. I often worry that this journal will just fizzle out. I often worry that I write too many of these upsetting posts, but I know that I'll look back on them in the future with contentment and having overcame it all.