Thursday, July 25th 2019

I keep expecting to see her sitting out on the patio whenever I walk into the kitchen, but she won't be there.

My pet rabbit Dobby passed away this Wednesday. I hadn't seen her for a day and noticed that her food and water hadn't been touched. The weather recently has been unbelievably hot, even setting records. It didn't help that my feeding schedule for her has been all over the place. I checked all the online communities for lost pets and Kim walked around the block to check if she'd gotten out, but I had morbid thoughts.

The bushes in the garden had grown a lot and the bottom of them were obscured. Ive not been feeling very well mentally over these past few months and coupled with money problems etc, I've put off maintaining the garden. With my bad thoughts overtaking again I was already about to give up, but Kim handed me a saw and I took to work cutting away the bottom. Since moving to this house, Dobby has gone from either sleeping in the hutch or underneath these bushes near the back.

I got through a few metres of bush and found nothing so far. I managed to get a fair ways down the garden until Kim gasped. She saw a line through the bottom of the upcoming bushes where a mass of white fur was clearly visible. It was her. My heart sunk.

We immediately started digging a hole at the end of the garden, but it wasn't until I had to physically pick her up that I cried my fucking eyes out. Kim and I shared the duty of burying her as I took the first half, I made sure I could see her face. Kim finished burying her and I just cried with the shock of what unfolded over the past hour. She could have been like that for the past day. I feel like such a fucking shit owner.

I just feel kind of lost on what to do. Since Flo, and now Dobby, I had the sudden realisation that both MY pets were now dead. It feels terrible. I don't know when I could ever get another animal. I really hate that I don't know the cause of death. There was no blood so I know it wasn't a predator. It could have been old age, but I've been worrying and feeling immense guilt that it could of been from lack of water.

I kept saying to myself that in the summer I'd spend more time in the garden and time with her. Some days I feel like she must have been so lonely. There were mornings where I've had to rush for work and I've only spent a minute or two with her. Whenever she heard me, or the bag rustling, or the food making noise as it dropped into her bowl, she'd come running out making that funny rabbit 'oinking' noise they do.

There have been times in the past where she had gotten out and we hadn't seen her for a day or two. We'd completely give up hope and then we would find her. It would always work out. Amazing neighbours would prevail. It feels like mine and her luck finally ran out. I'm not sure when or if this guilt will ever go away, but I know I have to try and let it go.

I went through all my pictures and found the best ones of her to post. Lots of people reached out on Facebook, which was nice. Surprisingly even Jade who mentioned that she remembered going to Pets at Home with me to get her. Jade was the one who named her too.

Many times over the past few days I've questioned why this has hit me so fucking hard. Along with the guilt and the grieving, there's also this part of me that believes Dobby was the last part of my life at the end of Uni. I'm also saying goodbye to that era. I got her in the Treharris house and have lots of memories of her there, from great to bad. Chilling with her in my room, her banging on the cage while I tried to sleep,

I really thought with the massive new garden all for her that she'd get to spend another year or two of her bunny life frolicking in it. Rest in peace Dobby. I will sorely miss you. I never really realised how important you were to me until this very moment.