Sunday, July 21st 2019
Trying To Express

I feel bad that this Journal has been rather empty this year. It's annoying that it's Summer again and I'm just not doing much. Money has been an issue. Over the past few weeks, I've been working on (another) new place for me to get my thoughts out.

My Own Private Twitter-ho
God knows I already have plenty of outlets on this website to speak my mind, but the Thoughts website I made wasn't all that user friendly. I've basically converted that site into something new, where I can upload photos, videos, voice memos. It's like my own private Twitter where I can post my thoughts without thinking too much about it. It's a good way of getting stuff out there so I can process it while also being in the moment. When I created the new site, I made the decision that I wasn't going to stop this Journal site. This new site is more of a way for me to accumulate thoughts and ideas so I can process them and eventually post about them here.

I realised earlier today that I can recall blog posts from 10 years ago, but I wouldn't be able to tell about any of the ones I've written over the past year or two. Blog posts such as ??? and ???, which are not really about anything, but I can picture myself there, clear as day. I can feel how I felt. While I know I'm just looking through rose-tinted glasses, it was so fun to blog back then. It's upsetting that a lot of these posts aren't as memorable as ones I wrote back then. I'm hoping that the more I write these sporadic posts, that some of that magic will come back.

Bampy Rees
My granddad on my Dad's side passed away recently. Dad called me out of the blue one Saturday morning and told me. It happened suddenly. My Nan had to call my parents down in the middle of the night. I realised I didn't really know him at all. I saw him much more when I was a kid. My family has kept me from my father's side of the family for good reasons, but it still makes me upset that I never really knew him very well. I know it was hard for Dad that evening, but he has been taking it really well since. On the day of the funeral, I was fine up until the end of the service when I saw my Dad and his brothers. Michael came up to me and I just started bawling. I cried because I'd never seen him like that.

Time is kinda bumming me out too. I just checked that the last 'sporadic' post I did on here was almost a month ago! I didn't believe it at first. It's gone so fast. Whenever things come up in conversations like films, songs or events and then you find out when they happened, it's always a crazy number of years. I'm feeling pretty fragile with how fast things are going. I can't say I like it. I just need to get used to it somehow.

I probably have more to talk about, but I'm not that much in the mood right now. I'm glad that I'm just getting words down.

Illustration by IKEGAMI YORIYUKI